I told Deirdre about my conversation with S the Persian engineer, and she thought I should write it all down, so I am. In other words, if you're not interested in a blow-by-blow account of the conversation I had on my date last night, move right along, nothing to see here.
The truth is that I decided that I wasn't interested almost right at the beginning of the date. S came by my place and then we walked to a restaurant nearby. The man is 6'3" and has tall man complex, I think, because he's got the lurching, shuffly walk of the very tall with large feet who never really own their height. I have weird things, just like everyone else, and the shuffly walk is one of the things. I cannot date someone who doesn't have a walk I like. It's lame, and it's true, ok?
Not being interested, of course, doesn't prevent me from having a nice evening with good conversation. In fact, maybe it's even easier that way. I wouldn't say this was a "nice" conversation, but it was a conversation nonetheless.
We went to a Thai restaurant within walking distance, one of my favorite places. The place is yummy and reasonably priced, it doesn't get any better. We're sitting waiting for our dinners, and there are framed pictures and posters of Thai things with Thai writing all over the restaurant. S looks up at one and says, "I wonder what language that is, Armenian or something?" Oh, boy.
We had several interesting conversations. The
I have no friends conversation; the
I have no interests conversation; the
I don't pay attention conversation; and the
lawyers are liars conversation (again!). I will give you the highlights of each. S is him, E is me.
I have no friends
S: I should tell you something. I have no friends.
E: No friends?
S: Nope, no friends.
E: Not even one?
S: No. I don't talk to anyone about my life, unless I'm in a relationship.
E: [incredulous] Really?
S: Yeah, I have no friends. Even when I was a kid, I was always alone, doing my thing, you know.
[as it happens, I DON'T know]
E: I see. Well, what about people at work, do you hang out with them?
S: Well, sometimes, but they're not friends, they're just work people.
E: Ok, then let me ask you this: when you're in a relationship, do you get really obsessive about the person you're with?
S: Mmmh. No, not really.
I have no interests
S: You know, I don't do much. Actually, I don't do anything. I'm interested in work first, then my kids. [laughs] In that order, work first, then the kids. But that's about it.
E: Do you go to sports games?
S: No, I've been to ... 4 sports games in my life. I just don't do anything.
E: I guess I understand that, with three kids.
S: No, ok, occasionally I'll go to an ice show with my kids. They like the ice shows, so I take them.
E: Wow. I think I'd rather stab myself in the eye than go to an eye show. I think if I had tried to make my parents go to an ice show when I was a kid, they would have disowned me. If I had kids and they wanted to go to an ice show, I would tell them I love them, and then I'd say no.
S: Really? I like ice shows, they're nice, you know.
I don't pay enough attention
S: One of my problems is that I don't pay enough attention. That's what I've been told. That's what my ex-wife told me.
E: Ok, what do you mean by that?
S: I am always thinking about work, so I'll look like I'm listening, but I'm not, I'm thinking about work. I mean, I'm listening to you right now, but eventually I'll not be listening much.
E: So let me see if I'm understanding you. If you and I were to be in a relationship, pretty soon you'd stop listening to anything I say, pretty much, and you'd be in your head thinking about work, is that what you're saying?
S: Pretty much.
E: I see. So would I be correct in saying that you are just not present when you're in a relationship?
S: [thinks] Yes, I think that's fair. Yes.
E: Checked out?
S: Yes, most of the time.
E: You know that doesn't work in relationships, right?
S: Well, I figure this is just how I am, and the right person will understand and be ok with it.
E: Maybe. But consider that no one who is worth anything is going to be ok with that. I could be wrong, but I doubt anyone wants to be in a relationship with a guy who's just not there.
S: I think the right person will be ok with it. Besides, I can't do anything about it, that's just the way I am.
E: Really? So there's nothing you can do about it?
S: No, I don't think so.
E: But if that's really who you are and you have no choice in the matter, then explain to me how it is that you have, so far, paid attention to me. You have listened carefully to everything I said, you've called, asked me how I've been and what I've been doing, you followed up with me with other calls. You've been attentive, because you wanted me to like you. If you were just the way you say you are, then you could not have been attentive even once.
S: Well, that's true, but after a while it's different. Like sex, after a while it's not so great with the same person.
E: In other words, you stop trying.
S: Yes.
E: But if you really wanted to, you could keep trying.
S: Well, but that's just the way I am. I think people operate within little boxes, and they can't get out of those little boxes, that's just how they are.
E: I think that's bullshit. I think that that's how people let themselves off the hook for not stepping up. I mean, hey, I can't contribute to this relationship, that's just the way I am. What you're telling me, it sounds like, is that you are just not present in a relationship. Is that correct?
S: Yes.
E: Well, I have to tell you that that won't cut it. Why would I waste my time with a guy who's not gonna step up, who in fact is not even there at all?
S: Maybe we're incompatible.
E: That's quite possible, but do you really think that being checked out works in a relationship? Truthfully.
S: Well, I think it's ok. But maybe that's why my wife cheated on me.
E: Ya think? You know, I have talked to a lot of people who have been cheated on, and in all those conversations I could tell why the other person cheated on them, and it was something about how who they were in that relationship. For you, you weren't IN the relationship, so are you really surprised that she cheated on you?
S: No, but it's not my fault.
E: I didn't say it was. But who you were in the relationship gave you the relationship you had. That's inescapable.
S: It takes two to tango.
E: Actually, it doesn't at all. That's another one of those platitudes people tell themselves to let themselves off the hook when they think they've screwed up or done something wrong.
S: It's not just my fault.
E: I didn't say it was your fault. What I'm suggesting is that you consider being responsible for how things went, not in a bad way, like you did something wrong, but like who you were in the relationship didn't work in that relationship.
S: But it's not my fault.
E: I didn't say it was. The point I'm trying to make is that if you take on being responsible without the whole fault thing, then you can be responsible in the next relationship and that one can go a different way. If you're not, then you're at the mercy of what other people do, what they say etc.
[I then tried to explain the difference between responsibility and fault, but he wasn't receptive, so we talked about something else]
I think by now you can see that I might have pissed him off. I was getting less and less patient with the bullshit.
Lawyers are liars
S: Maybe we're incompatible. You know, I will make jokes about how lawyers are, and if you get annoyed, maybe we're incompatible.
E: So you would rather tell your lawyer jokes than be in a relationship with someone you value?
S: If they don't like my jokes, then maybe we're incompatible. It's just jokes.
E: Once or twice they're jokes, but when you keep harping on it over and over again, it's not a joke, it's what you really think but don't have to balls to come out and say to someone. And even if it is a joke, words have power and it won't take long before I become a liar in your eyes.
S: I get that, words are very powerful. So if I say it enough, you become a liar?
E: No, if you say it enough, I become a liar to you. I haven't changed, nor have I become a liar, but to you I am one.
S: But it's just a joke.
E: Ok, how about this. What if I joke that you're a muslim and you're gonna blow something up sooner or later, and keep joking about it, don't you think it would stop being funny really fast?
[He shrugs, with a look like, don't be silly, I would think it was funny, I'm laid back and easy going]
E: I can guarantee that it would get old pretty fast. And you'd ask, what's with the muslim blowing things up joke? What is with you? Enough already.
[he shrugs again nonchalantly]
E: And I bet if I made that joke in an airport, it wouldn't be funny at all, would it?
S: Ok, maybe not so funny then. But lawyers do what they do, they bend the truth, they lie.
E: Good lawyers don't. Yes, they do what they do. They are trained to see things differently, to look at details, to argue and think a certain way. But the attorney on the opposing side has the same training and so does the judge. So it's not like anyone has an unfair advantage. That's why it's never a good idea for a layperson to represent himself, because they don't have the training. That's all it is, you know, training. Contractors are trained to build things, doctors are trained to cut people up, etc. None of it makes much sense to the layperson. But the truth is you really think lawyers are scum, don't you?
S: Well, yes, yes I do. My lawyer, for example, he said I'll win, no matter what it takes.
E: Fair enough, some lawyers say stuff like that and that's how they operate. A lot of lawyers, probably. But you want to get that people don't get law degrees and become assholes. They are assholes, and then they get law degrees. Or they become doctors, contractors, managers etc. They are still assholes, but with power now. And here's another thing: YOU are the one who hires the lawyer, YOU pay him, YOU tell him how to pursue your case. If you don't like an attorney's approach, you'll go to someone else. The attorney is YOUR advocate, and I can guarantee you that the attitude comes from the client.
S: Actually, I did tell the attorney to win no matter what.
E: Gee, how did I know that? So you can't go hiring someone to do your dirty work and then turn around and say, oh that lawyer is a scum bag. YOU picked him. YOU hired him.
Man, at the end of the evening, he could not leave fast enough. I don't blame him, I admit I was a bit heavy-handed. I doubt I'll be hearing from him again. But, as Deirdre says, dating is an adventure.
Not sure what this is, but he's still digging around before doing the actual procedure:
Ditto on this one. He told me, I don't remember. The hair is a cat hair (these are photos of photos, so I guess is landed there as I took the shot).
Here's the tear. You can tell it's a tear because the tip of the instrument has disappeared into it. There's another picture of this a little later, which I think is clearer:
This is the cartilage (on the right) that is beginning to bubble:
He said other surgeons would have cut it out and stuck pins in there. But the problem with that is that, beyond the 6 weeks of crutches and no weight, is that the cartilage that grows back to fill in is what he called junk cartilage, and will not really support the joint properly.
Here's a closer shot of it...
...and here you can see it being pushed in by the tip of the instrument.
Here's another picture of the tip of the instrument inside the tear:
This is the femur, in the front, and the white area is the bump that caused all the trouble.
Here he's starting to scrape it down. The arch that you can see pretty much right around the white spot is the labrum.
Here the debridement is almost done, and you can see the marrow peeking out:
There's a couple more, but you get the idea. The fuzzy stuff that you see in some of the pictures is part of the tear, and most of that was cleaned out. The labrum had not become detached, so he did not have to cut it out.
